What Chantelle is doing instead: Writing a blog post.

Monday means two things to me. 1) The beginning of the week, and 2) Women's Chorus.

Today's rehearsal was hard. It was really, really hard.

I think I was just having an off day for singing anyway, plus I'm still really phlegm-y from last week's cold, but I had such a hard time today. I kept losing track of where I was. I couldn't remember what we had done in sectionals the week before. I couldn't concentrate on my section's part in the music... I couldn't get the tempo and the beat right, and it got to the point where others had to tap it out so I could get it. It made me feel so dumb.

I feel so inadequate there. I have to work twice as hard as everyone else sometimes because I'm not in the music program. I'm not surrounded by that all day. I haven't had any formal training. I don't know what a minor fifth is or how to find a C sharp from an A or how to trill. I'm ashamed that I have to rely on the others so much. I feel stupid a lot of the time. I don't really think I fit in with them, or even if I should be in choir. I just wanted to sing...

The other problem with Women's Chorus is that I have a hard time with practicing. I don't have access to a piano, and when I do, our music is so challenging that most of the time I have no idea how to play it anyway. So then I'll go online to see if I can find a recording of it, and there will be nothing. And I'm not nearly talented enough to sight read everything. It frustrates me, and I know it frustrates the other girls in my section. I don't know what do to. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't want to look stupid.

Today I got really, really frustrated. I was frustrated that we had to do the same lines over and over. I was frustrated that the girls in our section who complained the most were the ones who didn't go to the sectionals. I was frustrated with the song in general. But most of all, I was frustrated with myself. I was frustrated that I couldn't do it right.

That's all. Rant finished.

Tomorrow will be better.